April 1
The boys woke Brandan and I up this morning with a cup of cold water over the head. April Fools. I put my back out sitting up that fast.
April 4
Brandan wiped his wet hands on Dash's face and said "Don't you hate it when you pee on your hands?"
Backfired.
Dash said, "Yah right. I've peed on my hands before and its warmer than that."
April 6
Life was more fun when Tag couldn't open the cupboard doors.
April 12
Motherhood has made me a pessimist. I used to have a sunny disposition and believe most things turn out, but a handful of kids later and I find I always assume the worst.
Example:
*Its a sunny 68 degrees, but I pack everyone a jacket. The weather is bound to turn bad if I don't.
*I feed all the kids before we leave the house for a dinner party. They're sure to hate what's served.
*Lock the door while I shower? Never! What if there's a fire?
April 17
The high was 39 degrees today, but after being cooped up in the house we finally decided we had to go for a walk this afternoon. I sent Sport down to put on some warm clothes and he came back up wearing 4 pairs of shorts and 3 t-shirts. The logic: wearing lots of layers will keep him warm and eliminate the need for real pants and a jacket.
April 20
Some days mothering feels like a series of irreconcilable mistakes. Like this morning, when Sis asked for an apple.
Me: Do you want to eat it whole or do you want me to cut it?
Sis: Cutted.
(I'm not a complete novice, so I know to double and triple check, though this doesn't always help.)
Me: So you want me to cut it?
Sis: Yes.
Me: Okay, I'm going to cut your apple.
(I cut the apple and hand it to her.)
Sis: (falls to the ground in despair and wails) Moo-oom! I didn't want it cutted!!
And don't even get me started on the tragedy of misunderstanding a child's completely vague, yet strangely specific instructions concerning what to draw with permanent marker on a piece of what turns out to be special, one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable white printer paper.
April 22
I've got to stop trying to make Show n' Tell meaningful. Every Friday morning Colt runs around the house looking for something to take for Show n' Tell and all I can do is make completely useless suggestions. For instance, this morning I suggested he take the book we are reading as a family. He hated it. Then I was audacious enough to propose he take a picture of his extended family and tell about the last family reunion. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I finally gave up when he shot down my idea that he show his t-shirt from a race we did last summer and tell about his experience. Luckily, he found something great on his own, as he does every week. Today, Colt will be regaling his class with a pack of pencil top erasers.
April 26
No one takes my threats seriously.
"Pick up this room or I'm going to throw all these toys away!" No reaction.
"Sit down at the table or you're never eating again!" Nothing.
Sport, however, has this mastered. Sis won't play the game the way he wants, so he warns, "I'm never going to play with you again for my whole life!" She immediately complies.
Maybe it's his intimidating size.
April 27
I think I should be up for an Academy Award nomination. My acting is that good. Like when I tell the kids there are no mushrooms in the spaghetti sauce, or appear to hear and understand every word of a long detailed description of a video game. But there is nothing I'm more proud of than my ability to fake calm after I lay Tag in his crib. I casually saunter away, carefully avoiding all eye contact and slowly shut the door as if there is no rush. All while fighting off the extreme urge to run from the room, slam the door and dive under my bed.
April 30
Tag-ese to English Dictionary and Pronunciation Guide
(first three words, ordered chronologically)
Mom:
/maw-aw-aw-am/
4 syllable noun
1. Female woman who meets your every demand. Responds more quickly when shouted at, especially from the backseat of the car.
synonym: MomMomMomMomMom
Stop:
/stawp/
1 syllable verb
1. Insistence that an action end; ie: STOP-touching my toys, washing my face, singing me a lullaby
synonym: StopStopStopStop
Don't:
/dawn't/
1 syllable contraction for do not
1. Command of cessation; ie: DON'T- let a sibling look at me, sit on a parent's lap, eat anything I might want.
synonym: Don'tDon'tDon'tDon't
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